


Written Secrets

by merdarkandtwisty



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Father/Son, Maybe Jibbs, McGiva - Freeform, secrets taken to the grave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-05-08 14:12:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5500271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merdarkandtwisty/pseuds/merdarkandtwisty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shannon Gibbs died taking a deep dark secret with her. The teams whole world is thrown as her written secrets come to light. Later McGiva</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Letter 1977

**Author's Note:**

> A/N picks up some time after Requiem and Tim has a middle name in this story.

He was shock. More than shock. He couldn’t believe he was sitting here hearing this with these papers in his hands. When his mother had called him to meet with her well she was in town he figured it would just be a lunch date catch up after not seeing each other for a while instead his whole world was imploded. “Adopted.” The word rang in his head he was adopted. It explained a lot. His father’s lack of interest why Sarah was the favorite. Here he sat his mother across from him and a pile of letters in his hands. 

“Sarah’s not adopted is she?” 

“No,” Lisa McGee shook her head. “We desperately wanted a child and I was told I wouldn’t have one that It was impossible. Your grandmother Penny knew a lady whose daughter had found herself in trouble at a young age and we adopted you. We had Sarah six years later by some miracle.” 

“And these.” Tim held up the packet of letters. 

“Those are from your birth mother. Penny would give them to us. Then when you were fourteen they stopped. Penny told us your birth mother had died.” 

“So she died and you had fourteen letters hidden away were you ever going to tell me, why now?” 

“We were supposed to tell you when you reached 18. That was her wish but after she died, Penny asked us not too. Her friend didn’t want the secret coming out. She said it would be too painful. We didn’t question it because we figured the woman who had given your life was dead and the person she left behind didn’t want to be contacted. As for why now I felt guilty I knew you had a right to know. I saw how hard you took your father’s indifference and I thought you deserved to know your history.” 

“What about my birth father?” 

“I know nothing about him and really I know nothing about your birth mother I don’t even know her name. Penny never told us. I don’t know if he knows about you or not. The answers may be in those letters.”

“And my father does he know you’re doing this?” 

“No, though considering you haven’t talked to each other in years I don’t see how he can object.” 

“I just I don’t know what to say about all of this.” Tim shook his head. “I just I need to get out of here. To think.” He swallowed clutching the letters tightly in his grip. 

“Tim.” 

He looked at his mother standing in front of him wringing her hands. “What?” 

“I’m sorry I hope you can forgive me for keeping this from you. I love you Tim.” 

“Can I ask you one more question before I leave?” 

“Of course.” 

“Did you name me?” 

“No,” Lisa shook her head. “Your birth mother named you. You came to use with the name Timothy Jackson. We never got an explanation of why that name but we honored it.” 

“Okay.” Tim swallowed hoping he’d find the answers he was looking for in the letters. He turned away then walking out of the restaurant. He loved his mother but he wasn’t sure he could look at her then. He felt betrayed lied to all his life. Lied to by his mother and father his grandmother and he was sure his grandfather knew the truth. He had a sick feeling he hoped that Sarah hadn’t known. He didn’t dare turn around and ask though. 

He found himself sitting in his own living room forty-five minutes later. He stared at the yellowed envelopes in front of him. Seeing the date etched into each envelope. He picked up the oldest one. 1977 etched into the corner. With trembling hands he broke the seal. 

He unfolded the aging paper and saw his name written across the top and the date of his birth January 3rd 1977 written down next to it. He swallowed hard past the lump that was growing in his throat as he read the first words printed across the paper. 

My Dear Timothy 

Oh my darling boy how I weep as I write these words to you. How I wish I was stronger and could go against my mother’s wishes and keep you safe in my arms. My darling I’m just not strong enough, not now. My mother assures me that the people who are taking you in are good people who will love you.  
As I write these words I figure you’re eighteen now reading them. And I’m sure you have many questions. Let me start with your name. Timothy is after your maternal grandfather he died when I was five but I remember him fondly and wished to pass that connection on to you. Your middle name Jackson. That comes from your paternal grandfather I only met him a few times but I felt it was only right for you to have a connection to that side of your family also. 

Now I’m sure you’re wondering where your father fits into this picture. He doesn’t know. He’s away being a marine. I love him desperately but I’m only just 17 and my mother has forbidden me from contacting him. He has no idea you exist my child. I’m sure if he did he’d want you desperately. I won’t say his name here. Maybe later I’ll be strong enough to reveal you to him. Or him to you but not yet it’s still too raw.

You were conceived in a moment of weakness. He was shipping out and I was desperate to have him to myself if only for a moment not even sure if I’d ever see him again. I had been in his home town for the summer helping my aunt in her dress shop when we met. He was striking and I fell for him. I can’t regret that weakness that lead me to his arms because it brought you into my arms if only for a brief moment.

As I close out this letter I hope you can forgive me my weakness. I hope you know I love you desperately my child 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding 

Tim put the letter down and stared at it. Something was bugging him about the letter. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. He shook his head he was sure it was nothing just his exhaustion and trying to come to terms with the information that he was feeling. Could he forgive her giving him up?” yes he could forgive her that. She was a scared teen but he wasn’t sure how to take the part about his father not even knowing. Not being allowed to know and he wondered about the man who shared half his DNA was he still out there? If he was would he want to know him would he care?

His fingers itched to pick up the envelope marked 1978 but he stopped himself his hand hovering over the envelope and quickly pulling away. Could handle anymore tonight. He sighed looking at the open letter and then the other thirteen in front of him. No he decided for tonight what he’d learned was enough he couldn’t learn more he feared if he did his head would explode. He tucked the open letter back into its envelope and stood up shooting off his living room light he made his way into his bedroom and fell onto his bed not even bothering to change. What was tomorrow going to bring. What would the other letters reveal? Could handle the truth? He didn’t know the answer to any of those questions as they swirled through his mind and he drifted into a fitful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holiday's everyone :)

Tim woke up the next morning, after a fitful night. Images of a young girl having a baby ripped from her arms tormenting him. Images of a young man not even knowing he had a child walking the world making him even more upset. He got out of bed hoping that a hot shower would help get him into the frame of mind he’d need for work. 

He stood under the hot spray but he couldn’t get the thoughts that swirled through his head out of his mind. Who was he? Did he want to know? Could he handle the truth when he found out? Did he have other siblings? How had his mother died? One thought after another swam through his mind. He shut the water off in frustration roughly grabbing the towel from its resting place and vigorously drying himself. He stalked into his room pulling clothes from his dresser and closet and roughly putting them on. He finished and stood up. He took a deep breath he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t go into work with this mood, not only would Gibbs kill him but Tony would tease him mercilessly and he wasn’t ready , maybe never would be ready to tell the team he was adopted. 

He walked into the living and glanced at the table where the letters were stack. He knew they were there of course where else would they be but seeing them sitting there so innocently knocked the wind out of him. He everted his eyes and grabbed his go bag, jogging out to his car and heading to the Navy yard.  
As he walked into the building and took the elevator up to the bullpen he tried to lock all his thoughts away. He wouldn’t think about any of this, he promised himself. He’d focus on work and only work nothing else. He waved to Ziva and nodded to Tony as he set his bag down and got situated at his desk. 

“No Gibbs yet?” 

“No, Ziva shook her head. We have not seen him this morning. Are you okay McGee you look a little pale.” 

“He’s always pale Ziva if I didn’t know any better I’d think he was a vampire.” Tony chuckled looking up from the game he was playing on his phone. 

Tim rolled his eyes at Tony. I’m fine Ziva.” He pulled out the file he had been working on the night before. 

“We have a case.” Gibbs barked coming into the bullpen causing all three agents to jump to their feet and grab their gear. 

“Where at boss?” Tim was at his heels.

“Bethesda hospital? “ 

“Why Boss? Tony swung into step next to him. 

“Baby of a marine kidnapped from the nursery.” 

Tim clenched his teeth. He couldn’t believe what the universe was throwing at him. “Parents?” 

“Gunny Sargent Lucas Narvo and his wife Sylvia this is their first child. A baby boy named Isaac born yesterday 0700. The child went missing sometime between 2400 last night and 0130 this morning. McGee we’re going to need you to go through the hospital footage. They aren’t able to pull anything room it someone tampered with it.” 

“Right boss.” Tim’s mind went into over drive figuring out what he’d have to do or even could do with the tape. They got to the car and headed towards the hospital. 

“Ziva you and me will be interviewing the parents, Tony I want you to interview the nurses everyone who was on shift yesterday and on shift today.” 

“Got it Boss.” Tony and Ziva echoed each other from the back seat. Pulling into the hospital parking lot the four agents made a dash for the entrance. All four knowing there wasn’t a second to waste. Ziva and Gibbs headed out to meet with the parents and Tony went to talk to the nurse’s well Tim headed towards security. 

“Hello I’m Agent McGee I’m here to collect the tapes in our investigation of the missing Narvo infant.” He flashed his badge. 

“Yes we’ve been waiting for you such a shame.” The head security guard stood up gathering the evidence that was needed. Putting his gloves Tim took it and put it into an evidence bag. 

“We’re going to need your finger prints to rule them out and we’re going to need those of anyone else on your team who has touched this.” 

“Well that’s easy I was the only one to touch it.” He held out his hand and Tim got his finger prints.. 

“Thank you.” The guard nodded as Tim headed towards the patient room where the two parents were. He stepped in as he listen to Gibbs ask questions. 

“And you have no idea who would have wanted to take your child or why?” 

“No.” the terrified mother shook her head. Her face red from crying and used tissues clenched in her shaking hands. “We just moved here we don’t know many people and I have no idea why someone would want to steal our baby.” 

“And you do you have any enemy’s anyone who would want to hurt you?” Gibbs looked to the new father. 

“No like my wife said we haven’t been here long and I couldn’t think of why someone would want our baby.” 

Tim stood in the corner his eyes looking between the man and the women. Both were young. No more than nineteen or twenty he’d guess. He had to remind him this wasn’t his mother. His mother had voluntarily given him up she had been pressured but he hadn’t been stolen he had to take himself out of this case if he was going to help this young couple. Taking his personal story out of it didn’t mean that he should ignore the questions He caught Gibbs attention and waved him over. 

“What is it McGee?” 

“Boss can I ask them a few question.” Gibbs stepped back and looked at him eyes narrowed before he nodded. 

“Okay McGee.” 

Stepping forward Tim looked between the couple. He turned to the husband “Mr. Narvo how old are you and your wife?” 

The Gunny Sargent looked at him strangely “ I’m twenty one and my wife is nineteen sir.” Tim nodded his head. 

“How Long have you been married?” he noticed a slight blush cover Mrs. Narvo’s face. 

“We’ve been married five months"Lucas Narvo said. 

“How does your family feel about the new addition to the family?” 

Gunny Sargent Narvo scrunched up his nose. “Fine I don’t understand any of these questions.” Tim’s eyes lingered on Sylvia Narvo.

“ma’am what about your family?” 

“My sister told me I was ruining my life going from base to base with a man I’d only know less than a year. I think she was more jealous then anything she has been married a few years and can’t get pregnant.” 

“And you’re sister is she in town do you in anyway think she could have taken you’re child?” 

Mrs. Narvo shook her head. “I hadn’t really thought about it I don’t know where she is to be honest I haven’t seen her since my wedding.” 

“Thank you.” Tim stepped back and let Gibbs take the reins of the interview back. Tim looked at Ziva who was giving him a calculating look. 

The team met back up with Tony as they walked out of the hospital. “it was a bust all the nurses swear they didn’t see anything.” Tony shook his head.  
“How is that possible?” Ziva questioned. 

“I want to know why McGee thought to ask that line of Questioning.” Gibbs stepped into the conversation. “Not that it wasn’t a good line of questioning we now have a good suspect in the sister but still.” 

“They are young I just figured someone somewhere couldn’t be happy about it.” Tim shrugged. He hoped his mask was on tight enough not to show his emotions. Gibbs looked at him hard before dropping it. 

As soon as they got back to the navy yard Tim headed down to the lab with Abby the tapes in his hand. It was hours later and the whole team was exhausted as they tried to find the missing baby. 

“We’re not finding anything.” Tim let the frustration come through in his voice. 

“We will, I’m not giving up yet.” Abby said her eyes glued to the screen. “There do you see that?” she pointed to the screen the tape had been tampered with but you could see a shadow hovering over where Isaac Narvo had been. Abby went to work. She managed to clean up the image.

“That’s a nurses uniform.” Tim pointed out. He grabbed Abby’s phone and called Tony downstairs. “Tony do you recognize this nurse?” 

“Yeah sure her name is Lisa Landon she was there” 

“Run her Abby.” Nodding Abby ran her information through. 

“Oh my.” Abby’s face got sad fast.” 

“What is it Abby?” Tim looked over her shoulder. “Lisa Landon is a forty one year old nurse at the hospital she is married to Jeffery Gregory and she’s had five miscarriages that I could find.”

“Jeffery Gregory that’s the name of the head security guard.” Tim snapped standing up. He raced up the stairs and started to put things into the computer. “Boss we have an address and two suspects and nurse and her husband who is head of security, I have the address.” Tim held out the slip of paper to Gibbs who grabbed it. 

“Tony you’re with me.” 

Tony and Gibbs rushed out of the bull pen leaving Tim and Ziva behind. 

“Are you sure you’re okay McGee?” 

“Yes Ziva I’m fine just tired. Cases about children are always tough."

“Yes well hopefully we’ll find baby Issac safe and sound and return him to his mother’s waiting arms. You did good work Tim.” 

He tried to smile but he was just too tired. “Thank you Ziva.” An hour Later Tony and Gibbs came back into the bullpen both McGee and Ziva jumped up. “Did you find the baby?” they chorused together.

“Yes.” Gibbs fell into an exhausted heap on his chair. “ The baby was reunited with his parents and the two Kidnappers are now in custody.” 

“yes.” Ziva surprised Tim by jumping up and hugging him. 

“Oh.” Tim hugged her back surprised. 

“No hug for me.” Tony teased. 

“Of course Tony.” Ziva released Tim before going over to hug Tony and after releasing him she did an even more surprising thing by hugging Gibbs. 

“You all did good today and it’s nice to have a happy ending for once.” Gibbs sighed looking at his three agents. “You all go home and get some sleep you’ve earned it.” 

“Okay boss,” 

“Thank you Boss.” 

“See you tomorrow Boss.” Flew around the room as the three of them packed up to leave.

Gibbs was alone in the almost dark room as he pulled out a picture from his desk. Seeing that little boy putting him in his mother’s arms it made him think of Shannon and Kelly and then it made him think of how him and Shannon had tried to have another baby after Kelly but were never able to conceive. He wondered what his life would have been like if they’d had another child. Would that child have lived or died with Shannon and Kelly?

He’d never considered having kids with any of his ex-wives he couldn’t bear the thought of having a child who wasn’t Shannon’s and that had been part of the reason wife two had turned to the alcohol he sat in his thoughts staring down at the fading picture al the what if’s running through his brain. He sighed putting the picture away. Shutting off his desk light and heading home to his empty house surrounded by ghosts. 

Tim flicked his light on and collapsed onto his couch as soon as he got home. Not have enough energy even to get to the bedroom. He just wanted to go to sleep to forget it all but there was another part of him that wanted desperately to open another letter find out more about his life. he sat up and with aching muscles he grabbed the letter marked 1978 He broke the seal and holding his breath he pulled the letter out. 

Dearest Timothy

Today you turn one. I can’t believe it’s been a full year since I held you in my arms. You’re sweet baby warmth filling my heart. My now in my last year of high school set to graduate in May. I’m not sure what I’ll do after this yet and that’s scary. 

I think of you every day my sweet child, you‘re in my prayers every night. My mother and I aren’t’ on speaking terms right now. Me and my aunt aren’t on speaking terms either. She says I should have told her. That she would have helped me. She wants to tell your father’s family. Your father is still away but his father is still in town. I’ve begged her not too. I don’t’ think I can stand the thought of seeing your father’s disappointment when he finds out. I curse myself every day for letting you slip through my fingers. 

I hope your family treats you well and treasure you as much as I would have. I wish I could see your face as you blow out you’re first birthday cake. I wish for a lot. A lot I can never have. I’m sorry to burden you baby you don’t deserve that. Be, happy be safe, be loved. That’s all I can ask for if you are those things then I will be okay. 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding. 

Tim sat the letter down. Unfolded and took a deep breath. Had he been Happy? At one yes he was sure he was. Safe yes of course loved. Yes he was loved he was sure at that point he was loved. He was sure his mom still loved him. His dad he wasn’t so sure about. The thought of dad brought him back to Shannon’s letter.  
His birth father, who was he? Tim figured that question would torment him the most. He looked at the twelve unopened letters in front of him and the two opened and wondered if the answers would be found within. He couldn’t take the energy to figure it out though. Not now. He needed sleep. He got up and stumbled to the light switch switching it off and falling back down on the couch. He let the exhaustion over take him. No thoughts of anything but sleep getting through.


	3. Chapter 3

Tim woke up groggy and disoriented the next morning. It took him a second to remember why he was on the couch. The case the night before and opening the letter written on his first birthday. He sat up and looked at the twelve unopened letters in front of him. His fingers trailed over them as he thought of grabbing nineteen seventy nine’s and sticking it into his go bag but he squashed that impulse and stood up to shower and change not wanting to be on Gibbs bad side by coming into work late. 

Getting to the Navy yard and settling into the day was easier than it had been the day before, he’d had a bit to time to adjust to the thought of being adopted and he was starting to get into his new reality. On the other hand something else was unsettling him. Sarah.   
She’d called five times since he’d left his apartment and every time he’d sent her to voicemail. He was about to put the phone on silent but knew he couldn’t do that because of work. He was sure by the end of the day his box would be full. He glared at his phone as it went off again. trying to finish up his report for Gibb wasn’t easy with the phone going off.

“McDeaf are you planning on answering that anytime soon?” Tony looked up from his own computer. 

“It’s my sister I’m ignoring her.” 

“Why are you ignoring you’re sister?” Ziva asked at the same time as Tony said. 

“I don’t think she knows that you might want to tell her.” 

“If I tell her that defeats the whole purpose of ignoring her.” Tim pointed out before turning to Ziva. “I’m ignoring her because she just wants to talk about things 

"I don’t want to talk about.” 

“What type of things?” 

“Family things look I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“McGee just that phone up or I’ll break it.” Gibbs growled coming into the bullpen.

“On it Boss.” Tim took his phone and quickly typed in a message. 

Tim: Sarah stop texting me I’m at work and I don’t want to talk about it.

Sarah: Timothy we have to talk about it. Mom won’t stop crying. 

Tim: Good she lied to me my whole life and hide those letters to me when they should have went to me at eighteen not whenever the hell she felt like giving them to me. 

Sarah: She was doing what she felt was best, she loves you can you blame her. 

Tim: Yes I can blame her. Leave me alone and stop defending her. I’m the one who had his whole life torn apart not her. You should be on my side.

Sarah: I’m not taking sides.

Tim: Yes you are now leave me alone I’m at work. He snapped his phone shut and scowled at it walking back into the squad room. 

“So how’s the McFamily dysfunction?” Tony quipped. 

“Shut up Tony.” Tim growled. 

“Leave him alone Tony.” Ziva threw a balled up piece of paper at Tony. 

“All of you we have a dead petty officer I don’t know what the hell Is the issue but drop it and lets go.” Gibbs called out. 

“On it.” The three of them jumped up and followed him out of the room. The case wasn’t difficult and it was wrapped up in time for them all to get home at a decent hour. Tim was leaving the building when Ziva ran up and stopped him. 

“Hey McGee.” 

“Ziva?” 

“I just wanted to say I don’t know what’s wrong with you obviously but if you need anything I’m here and I hope whatever is wrong can be fixed.” 

“Thank you Ziva.” Tim tried to give her a small smile but he just couldn’t get his mouth to form one. 

“Oh McGee.” She shook her head. “Feel better.” He just nodded getting into his car. She watched him drive out of the parking garage and she wished there was something she could do for him. 

Tim stopped off at the local Chinese restaurant picking up some dinner before heading home he groaned when he opened his front door and found his sister sitting on his couch. “Sarah what are you doing here? I gave you a key for emergency’s not so you could break into my house.” 

“Well it’s not breaking in when you have a key.” Sarah shot back. “And I’d call this an emergency. You’re not talking to me you’re not talking to mom she’s crying and you’re acting like an ass.” 

Tim saw red. “Acting like an ass am I. see these letters.” He yanked the fourteen letters off the table and waved them in her face. “These are fourteen letters that tell me about my life. Who I am, where I come from. Letters I can only get through one at a time because every time I read one it’s like getting kicked in the stomach again and again. it’s getting my heart ripped out. It’s being tormented with what if’s and why’s.” 

“Tim.” She tried to cut in.” 

“No” he held up his hand stopping her. “You’ll never understand. You’re whole life you were loved unconditionally dad and mom lavished praise and affection on you. You could do no wrong. I could never understand why. But now I do now I get it. I was what they got thinking they couldn’t have you but then you came along the miracle child. Their own flesh and blood” 

“That’s not fair mom loved you, still loves you why do you think she couldn’t bring herself to tell you the truth. Why do you think she hide those letters?” 

“Mom loving me wasn’t enough. She never stood up for me against dad she let him do whatever he wanted she let him belittle me and tell me I wasn’t good enough. She wanted to hide the truth so she could keep me but the funny thing is that even before I knew the truth we weren’t close because she chose him over me time and again.” Tim sank down on the couch emotionally exhausted. 

“She didn’t let him.” 

“Yes she did she stayed married to him until you left to give you a stable home don’t think I don’t know that. She wanted you to live in a two person home. I heard her tell Penny that before. Oh she said she wanted us to have that but honestly I would have been better off without him. And Penny the one person I thought I could trust she betrayed me too.” He shook his head. 

“Tim you’re only looking at it from you’re perspective.” 

“And why should I look at it from theirs they didn’t try and look at it from mine all these years. Now I’m exhausted and I’m hungry so kindly get out of my apartment.” 

She shook her head. “Fine.” She stood up looking at him. “Tim we have to figure this out as a family I love you big Brother.” He looked into her eyes and felt himself start to crumble. 

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead. “I love you Sarah okay I love you. I might be mad at Mom and I might dislike dad but I’ll always love you.” He hugged her close. “Forever Sarbear forever.” 

“Forever Timmymine forever.” She whispered using their childhood names for each other.

He let her go and she gathered her things letting herself out and closing the door behind her. He watched her go and sat down heavily on the couch pulling the now semi warm food in front of him. Digging in not even caring he was that hungry. He loved his sister but sometimes he couldn’t stand her. 

As he pushed the empty food carton away he looked at the letters grabbing the next one on the pile as he did he wondered if she’d graduated, if she went to college and most of all he wondered if she’d reveal his father . He opened it and bit his lip as he started to read. 

Dearest Timothy 

As I sit here on your second birthday I think about what it would be like to have a two year old running around. Would you be in the midst of the terrible two’s? Would you be a mama’s boys? Would I have a special nickname just between the two of us? I can’t answer any of these questions and that makes me sad. Would I be where I am, who I am today if you were by my side? I wish I could say yes to that but I’m not so sure. 

I graduated it was iffy there for a while but I did it. I did it because I couldn’t not. I’d lost you. You weren’t going to be put back into my arms so in that loss I had to fight for something and graduating was the only thing I could fight for. 

Your father tried to contact me a few months back but I ignored his letters. I couldn’t bear to answer them. If I did I didn’t know what I’d say. How do you say you’ve given up a child? I couldn’t do it so I ignored him. Every day I think about him. About you about us as a family but I have to lock that away in a tiny box and focus on school I’m in college not sure what I’m going to study just yet but it’s nice to be away from my mother away from the memories if even just a little. 

I hope this birthday brings you joy and love my sweet baby. I hope you grow up knowing that I wanted you I just couldn’t have you. I hope I can make you proud. 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding. 

Tim put the letter down. That hadn’t given him any information not really it just led to more questions. She was out of her mother’s shadow she was getting letters from his birth father but still she wasn’t telling him she was ignoring him. He just couldn’t wrap his head around that. He put the letter back and stacked it with the other two he’d read looking at the eleven unopened letters. He sighed he shook his head and went to bed he couldn’t think about it anymore that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the amazing responses. They are all so much appreciated. So as I was writing this chapter I realized I goofed. If Tim was fourteen when the last letter came he should have fifteen letters since I made his birthday January and Shannon died in February but don’t worry I figured out how to fix that without going back and giving him another letter tiny spoiler alert: There is a fifteenth letter but him and Gibbs will find it together.


	4. Chapter 4

Tim knew he could just look up Shannon Fielding’s born around nineteen fifty-nine and probably find out everything he’d ever want to know. He knew that intellectually and he was sure people would think he was crazy for not using that resource especially considering who he was. What he did everyday but there was something in him that forced him to not go that route. Maybe it was wanting Shannon to tell her story without him having any preconceived notions about her. Maybe it was a form of tormenting himself wondering what he would find in the next letter. He couldn’t quite pin point it but he knew deep within himself that he had to read those letters without knowing anything else. 

Nineteen eighty’s letter was on the table and he wanted to read it. How was she doing in college? Had she ever contacted his father was she the same girl from the first letters, had she changed? Questions he wanted answered and they had the day off. He sat down to read the letter when he heard a knock on the door. He got up putting the unopened letter down.

He opened the door to find Ziva on the other side. “Ziva?” 

“Hey McGee I was bored and I thought maybe you’d like to have lunch with me.” 

“Oh uh sure, why don’t you come in I’ll just get ready.”

“Great.” 

“Just one moment.” 

She walked in as he walked into his bedroom. She noticed the letters on the table and something about one of the open letters caught her eye.   
Shannon Fielding her heart stopped she knew that name. But why would Tim have something from her. She watched as Tim walked out of the room before taking a deep breath and turning her eyes back to the letters. “What are these?” 

“Those are it doesn’t matter what they are, are you ready to go?” 

“Tim what are they?” she pressed. 

He looked at her confusion written on his face. “Why, why are you so curious about what they are?” 

“I just,” she swallowed what did she say, how did she explain who Shannon Fielding was. Or at least who she expected this Shannon Fielding was. She hadn’t want far back into Gibbs history but she’d went far enough back that she knew about Shannon and Kelly and she knew that Shannon’s maiden name had been Fielding. She hadn’t looked past their marriage license she hadn’t felt the need but she’d looked that far and now the name Shannon Fielding Gibbs was stamped on her brain and seeing the writing she was almost certain it was the same as the writing on that license it was very distinctive.

“You just what?” he narrowed his eyes at her. 

She decided to go with a half-truth not sure what she was dealing with. “That hand writing just seems familiar to me. Like I’ve seen it somewhere."

“Where?” 

“You don’t even want to tell me what they are,” she pointed out. “So how can I tell you where I’ve said it if you won’t tell me what they are?” 

He bit his lip. He didn’t like to be pushed and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for anyone outside of his family to know the truth but Ziva seemed to know something. Did he want the information, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of finding out through the letters? 

He went around the coffee table and sat down on the couch. He picked up the three opened letters and the eleven unopened ones. He looked up at her and sighed. “Sit.” He moved over waiting for her. She looked at him and felt bad for pressing the sadness in his eyes took her breath away. She settled onto the couch. 

“I’m sorry Tim you don’t have to tell me It wasn’t right of me to ask.” 

“No, no,” he shook his head as she tried to stand up to leave. He put his hand on her arm and stilled her. “Sit please, maybe it will be good for me to talk about it outside of my family. To talk to an unbiased person.” He held the opened letters out to her. Keeping the unopened ones in his lap. 

“Okay.” She nodded taking the unopened letters from him. Waiting to see what he would say. 

“Those are the letters I’ve read so far. My mom told me recently that I’m adopted those letters along with these,” he nodded to the unopened ones. “Come from my birth mother starting from the day I was born until I was thirteen there was never a fifteenth letter they were told she’d died. They hid the letters from me because she was dead even thought they’d promised to give them to me on my eighteenth birthday. I’ve gotten through three. I still don’t know how my father is or really my mother. Just a name and vague details about her life. I could ask Penny I could look her up but I think I need to find out about her through her own words not impersonal words on a computer. “I’m just hoping she’ll tell me who my father is. All I know is that he was a marine.” 

Ziva’s heart stopped. A marine. Shannon Fielding That hand writing. She knew Gibbs and Shannon married in eighty two having Kelly in eighty three but would Shannon hide something like that from Gibbs had they met before was Gibbs his father? She was once again almost positive that Shannon Fielding was the same women that Gibbs married but that didn’t mean he was the father. “Do you mind if I read these?” 

“No go ahead I’m going to read this one.” He held up the nineteen eighty letter. He waited until she was settled into reading the letters before he broke the seal and pulled out the piece of paper unfolding it and looking at the now familiar hand writing. 

Dear Timothy 

What a year I finished my freshman year of College and am now in my sophomore I’m doing okay better than my first year I guess I’ve just settled into it. Still not one hundred percent sure what I’m going to study I’m leaning towards accounting I’ve always been good at math. 

You’re father keeps trying to contact me I believe he’s said he’ll be state side sometime later this year. Maybe I’ll see him at least talk to him though I don’t know how I’ll tell him about you or even if I’ll tell him about you. I can’t believe it’s been three years since you were in my arms. I don’t want you to think me not revealing your existence is because I’m ashamed of you. No far from it. I love you I’d shout about it too the world if I had that courage but I don’t. I’m scared of his reaction of what he’ll think of me. I already feel badly enough for the decisions I’ve made I don’t think I could handle him thinking badly of me too. 

I hope one day I have the courage to open up to him. I wish I had the courage now to tell you his name. Slowly I think I’m getting there but not yet I’m just not ready. 

I hope you had a great year I’m sure you’re so big now. Do you look like me, or like you’re father or are you the perfect mixture of both. I love you baby

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding. 

Tim sat it down. He was disappointed that he still didn’t have the one answer he really wanted. He looked over at Ziva who was almost done with the second letter. She put it down and headed for the third he waited patiently as she read it before handing her letter four. As soon as she was done with that one she sat it down. She turned to him. 

“Listen I’m almost positive I know who your mother is and I have a maybe on your father but my question is do you want me to tell you? I will but if you want the name of your father or who I think your father is I think if you open nineteen eighty one you’ll find it.” 

“Ziva what do you know?” Tim shook his head. “Nineteen eighty one you say, so you think she actually met him and will mention it?” 

Ziva nodded. “Yes if who I think is your father is actually our father then I think she’ll mention it. I think she married your father and honestly I don’t think she ever told him about you. If I’m right they married in eighty two I’m guessing engaged in eighty or eighty one maybe not by the time she wrote the eighty one letter but soon after. If it is who I think he won’t hear about the actual letter until the eighty three letter and you’ll also hear about a new sibling by then too.”

“Whoa. Sibling.” His head was spinning. “I think that’s enough for now I need to see what she says.” He picked up the nineteen eighty one letter and quickly ripped into it hoping he’d get the answers he was looking for.

Ziva watched it hoping she was right about her guess but at the same time wondering what either mean would think say and do when they were confronted with the truth. The who team would be over the edge she was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay as the basis for what Ziva knows and doesn’t I went with the fact that she knew about Shannon and Kelly during Hiatus but she didn’t seem to know Gibbs father was alive during heartland so I don’t think she dug super far back or really looked at much beside that chunk of time.


	5. Chapter 5

Tim looked down at the letter in his hands. His heart beating a mile a minute. What did Ziva know that he didn’t? Was she right would his questions be answered in a few short seconds? He took a deep breath and opened the letter. 

Dear Timothy 

You’re four now, where or where has the time went? I’m in my junior year of college and I’m doing great. 

I have some news it’s great but yet bittersweet news. Remember how in my last letter I said your father wanted to see me and I wasn’t sure I could see him. Well I saw him. I didn’t tell him about you. I couldn’t I love him and I couldn’t break him like that. No I can’t lie I didn’t tell him more for myself then to protect him. I was sure if he knew the truth he’d leave and never look back. I had just got him back and I couldn’t bear to lose him again. 

My mother knows that me and him are together and though she hates him. And I mean really hates him she is keeping her mouth closed because she knows that if she opens her mouth and spills the secrets she holds that I’ll absolutely never speak to her again. I don’t think she wants to lose me all together. So no he doesn’t know of your existence please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it but please.

Timothy I want to tell you his name. We’re together now and he asked me to marry him. I said yes we’re not getting married right away though we’re going to marry when I graduate next year. Even though he doesn’t know of you. Even though we may have future children know that in my heart you’ll never be forgotten. I’ll always know that our family isn’t complete. 

You can’t see me now but I’m biting my lip trying to get up the courage to write his name on this piece of paper. His name is Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Though I’ve only ever called him Gibbs. I hope by the time you’re reading this letter I’ve told him the truth and if you choose to find us we’ll both be ready to receive you with open arms. I know I’ll always be ready to receive you.

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding soon to be Gibbs.

 

The letter fell out of Tim’s numb hands. Fluttering to the ground. He couldn’t believe it. He felt bile raise in his throat. She couldn’t have told him. No he shook his head. He had to believe that Shannon never told Gibbs about him because if he did that would just be cruel. A father ignoring him all these years, but did she? Did she tell him and Gibbs just didn’t want anything to do with him. He scrambled to pick up the paper and read the line over and over. 

Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

The name taunted and tormented him. How did he go into work and look the man in the face knowing that he shared half of his DNA. How did he look at him wondering if he knew the truth? It was then that another thought slammed into him. Shannon, if Shannon Gibbs was his mother that explained how she died. But that also met that he’d had a sister. A full blood sister in Kelly. He’d lost a mother and a sister and he’d never even known it.   
He had a father who more than likely didn’t even know about him. Did he tell him? Did he let Gibbs live in peace with the Ghosts of the past or did he shatter everything Gibbs knew with the truth? The truth that his wife had lied for basically the whole time they’d been together. This wasn’t some lie about where the last of the money was spent no this was a life. his life. Gibbs life. how do you shatter someone like that. Did he have the right?

“Tim.” He jumped turning towards Ziva forgetting she’d even been there. 

“Ziva.” He swallowed putting the letter down. He’d been clutching it so tightly he was sure he’d’ rip it if he didn’t put it down. 

“Tim are you okay?” 

He laughed humorlessly. “Okay no Ziva I don’t think I’m okay I think I have no idea what to feel.” 

Leroy Jethro Gibbs

The name flashed across his mind again. “What do I do Ziva?” 

“I can’t answer that for you, what do you want to do?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t even know if he knows. Sure he didn’t know in nineteen eighty one but she could have told him in any of the intervening years, I can’t bear to think that though because that means he knew about me and didn’t say anything.” 

“Maybe he didn’t want to upset you not knowing if you yourself knew.” Ziva tried to reason. “Though honestly Tim I don’t think he knows. I really don’t.” 

“But you knew.” 

“What, no.” she shook her head. “I knew Shannon Fielding was the name of Gibbs first wife. I didn’t know she’d given birth to a baby before her and Gibbs was married I was only guessing at who your father was. For all I knew it could have been someone else but it was Gibbs. I promise Tim I didn’t know he was your father. Or that you were adopted.” 

He looked at her. “It’s okay Ziva I believe you I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had known.” He sighed. “I’m just all jumbled up, not sure which way to go from here.” He looked at the five opened letters. Nine more to open. “I was fourteen when she died. I remember seeing they died at the end of February. There should be a fifteenth letter.” 

“Maybe there is.” Ziva said. “She died a month and a half after your birthday she was running from the people who were after her. Maybe she wrote a letter and was never able to get it to you.” 

“You’re right. I can’t remember where we were that birthday what base but I know her and Kelly were in California.” Tim remembered the file that was pulled up after Gibbs got hurt. The pictures floating in his mind. His sister and mother. 

Their phones rang and they jumped to get them. listening to the people on the other end they shared a look. Shutting their phones off Ziva jumped up. “I’m driving.” 

“We may never get there.” Tim shook his head grabbing his go back. He wavered for a second before he grabbed the letters and stuffed them into his bag. 

“Oh we’re get there come on before Gibbs has our head. You know how he gets with these kind of cases.”

“Yeah.” Tim took a deep breath how would he get at a case like this. They’d just been called in for a double homicide mother and two kids shot in there house father in Iraq. He knew how Gibbs would see it even if the cases weren’t the exact same he’d see Kelly and Shannon. Would Tim see them now too?   
He got into the car with Ziva and they headed towards the crime scene. Meeting Tony and Gibbs there.

“What were you too doing to together?” Tony raised his eyebrow and gave them a look. 

“We were bored so we were going to have lunch but we got called out so here we are.” Ziva said. “Is Ducky inside?” 

“Yes and that’s where we’re going to be we were just waiting for you two. Now that you’re here lets go.” 

“On it.” The three of them followed him up the front steps and into the house. They all stopped a second. blood over many of the surfaces and the body’s in the living room. Tim noticed Gibbs face and nodded to the other two to follow him. 

Jethro Gibbs stood in the house trying to not look at the three bodies in the Livingroom. Families were always the hardest especially those with young children and here were two young children killed before they even had a chance to live. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t let it get to him. He had a job to do. “What do we have Ducky?” 

“Jethro.” Ducky looked up at him. “These three are Natalie Brown and her two Children eight year old Hadley Brown and ten year old Nathan Brown. They’ve all   
been dead about 48 hours” 

“Cause of Death.”

The two children were shot twice each in the heart. The mother was stabbed to death multiple times I’ve counted seventeen stab wounds so far.”   
“Personal then.” 

“I would say so.’ Ducky nodded. “If I had to guess the kids were not expect to be home they were killed quickly but the mother she was tortured. She was the intended victim. Me and Mr. Palmer will get them back to autopsy.” He nodded to jimmy who helped get them into the ME van. 

“It doesn’t seem to be a burglary Gibbs nothing seems to be missing.” Tony said after sweeping the house. 

“The wife was still wearing her ring.” Tim pointed out. 

“They were found when the weekend house keeper came in.” 

“And where is she?” 

“At the neighbors, the local Leo’s interviewed her.” Tony said. 

“McGee get over there and interview her.’ 

“On it.” If anyone was really paying attention they would notice that McGee wasn’t looking at Gibbs not directly.   
After interviewing the cleaning lady who couldn’t give him much he went back to the crime scene. After bagging all the evidence they headed back to the navy yard. 

“You okay?” Ziva put her hand on his arm. 

“I can’t think about that right now Zee I have to focus on catching whoever killed this family that’s all I can focus on. If I try to focus on my personal things a killer could get away.” 

“Yes that is true.” Ziva agreed. “I’m proud of you Tim.” He gave her a weak smile. They made their way to the navy yard and into the bull pen. 

“What do we have?” Gibbs demanded as soon as his team was assembled. 

“Not much boss. Natalie brown was married to Gunny Elliot Brown for twelve years. Two kids Nathan and Hadley. No martial disputes that we can find and the Gunny is in fact still in Iraq. His CO confirms.” 

“So we have nothing.” Gibbs shouted. 

“Not yet but I’m on it boss.” Tim slipped behind his own desk. 

“We found no weapon.” Ziva threw in “The killer must have taken them.” 

Just then Gibbs phone rang. “Yeah Abby I’ll be right there.” He turned to his team. “Abby says she has something. All of us are going.” The whole team piled into the elevator and headed down to Abby’s lab. “What do you have Abby?” 

“Well I.. oh.” She turned to them. “You brought everyone.” 

“Yes now what do you have?” 

"So I got blood from Ducky and I of course have Elliot Brown’s DNA. I have another blood sample that was found in Natalie Brown’s wound.” 

“The killer?” 

“The Killer.” She nodded. Here’s the hinky thing though. I’ve ran they kids blood and well Nathan browns blood matches there is no way that Hadley brown is the daughter of the Gunny.” 

“Adopted?” Ziva asked. 

“Nope no record of that. Plus Hadly brown is for sure Natalie Brown’s daughter ” 

“Okay so the wife cheated does that play into the crime. I mean the daughter is eight.” Tony pointed out. 

“Oh yeah it plays in I have a feeling someone found out about the daughter and tried to get revenge for Elliot.” 

“Who?” they all shouted. 

“Elliot’s twin Sister Evelyn Brown. The mystery blood was hers. I can tell because of sibling match. Evelyn Brown is Elliot’s only sibling.” 

“Maybe.” Tim said 

“What do you mean Maybe?” Gibbs asked. 

“Well how do we know that the elder brown parents didn’t have another child they gave up for adoption? We don’t know. Our records show one sibling but that could be wrong.” 

“That would be rare McGee.” Gibbs pointed out but now unheard of. “We’ll talk to the sister first see what she has to say If that doesn’t pan out we’ll look at more possibility’s. Tony go get Ms. Brown.” 

“On it boss.” 

Twenty minutes later Ziva and Tim stood behind the glass watching Tony and Gibbs question the women. Finally after an hour she cracked confessing to killing the three swearing she hadn’t wanted to kill the children but had no choice once she found out they were there. She couldn’t have any witnesses and she had to make her cheating Lying sister in law pay. You see it wasn’t just that she’d cheated on Evelyn Browns brother but that Hadley Brown was in fact that child of Evelyn long time boyfriend. 

“Crazy woman.” Tim shook his head. 

“Yeah.” Ziva agreed. “The case is wrapped up now what are you going to do.” 

“I don’t know Ziva.” His shoulders dropped. “I just don’t know.” 

“Tell him Tim that is my advice.” 

That night after all their paperwork was done and Tony and Ziva had left the building Tim stood up he had the five opened letters in his hand. The others still in his bag. He was going to hand them over to Gibbs but he stopped short. No he wasn’t going to do this not now. Not here. 

“McGee you need something?” 

“No boss I’m just going to get going home. Night.” 

“Night McGee.” Gibbs nodded looking back down at the papers on his desk. Tim didn’t notice Gibbs eyes on him as he shoved the letters back in his bag. He went to his car and sat there. Grabbing his bag he opened the nineteen eighty two letter. Thinking, hoping maybe that would give him courage to Tell Gibbs the truth.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Timothy

You are five now, a whole hand. Have you started school? Oh baby how I miss you. I’m in my last year of school. My wedding to your father is fast approaching we are down to months. 

I haven’t told him. I can’t. if I tell him I’ll lose him to. I can’t lose him. I’m that selfish that I can’t lose him. He deserves to know but I just… I can’t. forgive me. The wedding will take place in the middle of May two days after I graduate. I’ve convinced your father to invite his own father. I’ve invited my mother and I keep thinking what if? What if you were here walking down the aisle with me. 

We could have been a family if I’d been stronger, I let it all slip away and I regret it every day. I wish to hold you in my arms. I wish for a lot.   
Happy Birthday my baby. 

Love forever 

Shannon Fielding very soon to be Gibbs. 

Tim wanted to crumble the paper to rip it to shreds to scream and yell and stomp his foot. His mother was a coward. She was marrying a man and not telling him she’d had his child. Tim took a deep breath before he destroyed that fragile link he had to her and by extension Gibbs. He put the letter away and shook his head. This wasn’t right.   
He had to tell Gibbs he couldn’t do what Shannon did he couldn’t lie to him. If by some extension he could right a wrong he would. Maybe by giving him these letters before he read the 1983 letter in his own way before the wedding. Before everything. 

What would it do to him though? To Gibbs. He jumped when he heard a tap on his car window. He turned his head seeing Ziva standing there. 

“You okay Tim?” 

“No.” he shook his head as she went around the car and got into the passenger side. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“She’s marrying him without telling him about me.” He held up the 1982 letter. I can’t handle all the lies that surround me. This is all to much.” He whispered. 

“Oh Tim.” Ziva pulled him into her arms. 

“I have to tell him Zee I have to it’s only right he deserves to know but I don’t know how I don’t know how you go up to someone and say I’m your son you never knew you had. Your long dead wife lied to you.” He shook his head. “How can I rip him about like that?” He shoved the letter in his bag. He saw Gibbs walking across the lot and it took everything in him not to run up to him and shove the letters in his hands. To say read these to have him face the truth. 

He didn’t though. He sat there gripping Ziva’s hand and watched as Gibbs. His father got into his own car unaware that a bomb was about to be dropped on his head. 

“Hey Tim lets go to dinner we can talk about this it will be okay.” Ziva ran her hand down his cheek squeezing is hand with her other one which were still tightly clutched together.

“Yeah though maybe we should pick something up go to my apartment.” He sighed letting go of her hand and driving out of the parking garage. They picked up some food and made it to Tim’s apartment as they ate they sat in silence. 

“Tim it’s okay to be mad at her at the situation.” Ziva said as if she could see the inner war going on in his heart. 

“I just… she’s dead. She has the answers and she’s dead.” 

“You still have a pile of letters maybe the answers will be in there.” Ziva pointed out. 

“A pile of letters with vague answers and a father who is my boss and doesn’t know I exist. This is.. it’s just too much.” 

Tim we’ll get through it. I promise it will be okay. I’m by your side and I know Gibbs you know Gibbs when the shock wears off he’ll welcome you with open arms. You’re his son. You are Shannon’s son. It’s all that matters. He already loves you Tim. He’ll just love you that much more. Hey maybe you’ll even surpass Abby in his esteem.” She teased. 

“Hilarious Zee.” He rolled his eyes. “Abby would throw a fit if that happened. 

“Maybe so but come on it would be funny. Admit it.” 

“Okay a little you evil little Ninja a little. Why don’t you sleep on the couch we’ll drive into work tomorrow.” 

“Oh are you afraid something will happen if we share a bed.” Ziva’s eyes twinkled at him and he felt him throat close. 

“Uh…no.” he wetted his lips. “You can sleep in some of my clothes if you want.” 

She silently chuckled to herself as she got up and went into his room snatching some of his clothes. “Oh Tim.” She whispered knowing she was falling for the broken man. She crawled into the bed falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

Tim came in a little while later seeing her asleep her long locks spread across his pillow. It took everything in him not to brush his hand over her cheek. He changed and crawled into bed stopping himself from pulling the sleeping woman into his arms. Dreading what tomorrow would bring. How he’d tell Gibbs. What 1983 would bring. Mentions of Kelly all of it.


	7. Chapter 7

I don’t own NCIS

The morning light shined over Tim the next morning. He felt groggy as he looked over and saw Ziva still sleeping peacefully next to him. He bit his lip as he watched her sleep. As pretty as an angel he wanted to reach out and stroke her skin so pretty bathed in the morning rays. He held back though he held his breath as he got out of breath hoping, praying he didn’t wake her up. 

Looking at the clock he saw that they still had an hour before they had to get around for work. He grabbed some clothes and went to the shower. As he stood under the steady hot spray He knew he had to make a move. He had to tell Gibbs. He couldn’t hold this in any longer. He couldn’t survive the torment of the secret resting on his shoulders. The third part of the triangle dead and her ghost and that of Kelly haunting him as he thought of the pile of unopened letters still to be read.

Her handwriting having wafted in and out of his dreams like a phantom haunting him. Her last words he’d read ripping his heart out. Soon to be Gibbs. He felt his stomach roll as he stood there. He took a deep breath steadying himself against the title wall of the shower. That should have been his last name. He should have been a Gibbs. Would he have made his father proud would Gibbs have went to his awards ceremonies? Would he have been proud at graduations? All those questions and more tormented him. Wouldn’t leave. He got out of the shower drying off and getting ready for the day he sat on his couch and found the letter from 1983. With shaking hands and knowing what was coming he opened it. 

Dear Timothy

You’re six now. So big, how is school? Do you enjoy it? I’m stalling I know I’m stalling as I stare at the wide expanse of white paper in front of me. I’m married, me and your father have been married for a while now. It was a beautiful day that I finally became Mrs. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. But it wasn’t perfect. You were missing and I knew it. My heart was breaking wishing to see you laughing and playing. 

I’m still stalling scared to tell you what I have to tell you. Terrified of how you’ll take the news as you sit reading this letter years in the future. Please, please I beg of you don’t hate me please understand. Please…… 

I’m having a baby, me and your father we’re having a baby. She’ll be here next month right before Valentine’s Day. I say she because I’m sure it will be a girl. Or maybe I’m just hoping praying it’s a girl. I don’t’ think my heart could take it if I had a boy. How I’d feel seeing your father holding another son when he never got to hold you. That he doesn’t even know about you. I don’t think I could handle it. A girl that’s new its different I wouldn’t have to relive it all. I hope anyway. 

I know you must think I sound horrible. I’m sorry I am I love you. Forever and always and this baby boy or girl could never will never take your place in my heart. You are my first born. My shining star. The person that keeps me going every day. I love you Timothy please as you hate me remember that I love you. 

Shannon Gibbs. 

Did he hate her? He wasn’t sure at that moment. It felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. The fact that she thought a girl would be better that it would change things. He found that laughable, but did he hate her? that was the question. He knew it had been a girl. Kelly the name haunted, taunted and tormented him. It was a punch to the gut as another realization hit him. If she’d kept him. If she hadn’t given him up. Would he be alive today, or would he have died in that crash with his mother and sister. It was a mind numbing question to ask himself. Was his adoption his saving grace. Did he owe it his life. he felt tears prickle his eyes as he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat 

No he didn’t hate her for the adoption. She was a young scared girl, but for not telling Gibbs, that he wasn’t sure he could forgive her for. She wasn’t a child when they reconnected when they married. she wasn’t under her mother’s thumb anymore and she put her happiness over the truth. He wasn’t sure he could forgive her that. 

“Tim” 

He startled hearing Ziva’s voice near him. “Ziva” He turned to see her staring at him. Sympathy clear in her eyes. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Oh I’m….” he grappled for words. Trying to explain what he felt but he just couldn’t. He wanted to ask Ziva if it was horrible of him to hate his mother for her lies but he wasn’t sure if he could handle it if she said yes. “I’ll be fine.” He finally said. “Are you ready to go?” 

“Yes.” She nodded as she watched him shove the letters into his bag. 

“Okay lets get going. “ he said as they made their way to the car and towards the Navy yard. Getting out of the car he resolved that some way some how he had to tell Gibbs. He couldn’t hide this secret that wouldn’t make him any better then his mother. Either of them. 

He nodded to Tony and Gibbs as he came into the bull pen and settled into his desk. that day was light no cases came though and they all just caught up on paper work. The time ticked down to the end of the day. As the day ended and Ziva and Tony packed up Tim sat at his desk. bile raising In his throat he watched Ziva and Tony leave trying to ignore the look Tony was sending him. He waited until the bull pen was empty and it was just Gibbs and himself he took all the courage he had and he went to his boss. His father. 

“Gibbs, can I talk to you.” 

“McGee what is it?” taking a deep breath he opened his backpack and he pulled out the letters he’d read he held them out waiting for Gibbs to take them. as soon as they passed hands. He looked at Gibbs who was giving him a what the hell look. There are more. One every year until 1990. I haven’t gotten any farther then the ones I’ve given you. I’ll give you the rest as I finish them. I think there should be one from 1991 but it was lost somewhere. 

“What are they?” 

“Letters just read them.” Tim couldn’t say more he couldn’t stay around and watch his father so he turned and he left practically running out of the building and into his car. He sat their white knuckles holding his steering wheel trying to not have a panic attack. 

Gibbs looked down at the pile of letters McGee had shoved into his hands and felt his breath catch as he noticed Shannon’s handwriting. He caressed it. Closing his eyes picturing her as though she was there in front of him. His eyes flew open but why, why would Tim have these letters what were they. He wanted to sit at his desk and read them but he had a feeling he’d need some strong bourbon to get through what ever was in front of them. 

Two men made their way home. One curious and one panicking. Neither knowing what the next moments, days or years would bring them. 

A/N thanks to everyone who reviewed. So Gibbs has the letters or some of them. we’ll see his reactions to those along with Tim reading 1984 letter next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N every letter that Tim handed Gibbs will be in this chapter so if you want you can skip those but I want them there for Gibbs to react to.

Gibbs was holding the letters tightly In his hands as he made his way down to his basement. Sawdust and memories swirling around him. The writing on the letters that McGee had handed him taunting him. Holding secrets he was sure. Secrets he didn’t know if he wanted to be made aware of. He settled heavily onto a stool taking what ha to be the first letter and starting to read it. Being transported back to years in the past a time he’d buried deeply within himself. 

 

My Dear Timothy 

Oh my darling boy how I weep as I write these words to you. How I wish I was stronger and could go against my mother’s wishes and keep you safe in my arms. My darling I’m just not strong enough, not now. My mother assures me that the people who are taking you in are good people who will love you. 

As I write these words I figure you’re eighteen now reading them. And I’m sure you have many questions. Let me start with your name. Timothy is after your maternal grandfather he died when I was five but I remember him fondly and wished to pass that connection on to you. Your middle name Jackson. That comes from your paternal grandfather I only met him a few times but I felt it was only right for you to have a connection to that side of your family also. 

Now I’m sure you’re wondering where your father fits into this picture. He doesn’t know. He’s away being a marine. I love him desperately but I’m only just 17 and my mother has forbidden me from contacting him. He has no idea you exist my child. I’m sure if he did he’d want you desperately. I won’t say his name here. Maybe later I’ll be strong enough to reveal you to him. Or him to you but not yet it’s still too raw.

You were conceived in a moment of weakness. He was shipping out and I was desperate to have him to myself if only for a moment not even sure if I’d ever see him again. I had been in his home town for the summer helping my aunt in her dress shop when we met. He was striking and I fell for him. I can’t regret that weakness that lead me to his arms because it brought you into my arms if only for a brief moment. 

As I close out this letter I hope you can forgive me my weakness. I hope you know I love you desperately my child 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding 

Gibbs felt the air forced from his body. He doubled over as if he’d been punched the letters scattering around his feet. The words taunting him. “He doesn’t know, named after your paternal grandfather. He’s a marine.” 

Dear Timothy. Those words haunted him the most because Tim had handed him the letters which meant that Shannon had written them to him. Tim was Shannon’s son. A son she gave up for adoption and also his son. His son, a son he never knew existed someone out there that was half him and Shannon. Something he thought he’d lost with the death of Kelly. He’d been working with his own son for years and he didn’t know it. He felt tears slide down his cheeks at the lost moments. Lost chances lost everything and he felt anger well in the pit of his stomach as he wanted to rage and scream and punch something over the unfairness of it all. He wanted to hate her for the lies but she was dead and he couldn’t hate her because he love her too much. 

He wanted to rip the letter to shreds but he couldn’t the letter was Tim’s a gift to him from Shannon he wouldn’t, couldn’t destroy that. He swiped at his eyes and gathered the letters from the floor trying to regain his composer he shook the saw dust off the letters and went to the next one scared to death of what it would reveal. 

 

Dearest Timothy

Today you turn one. I can’t believe it’s been a full year since I held you in my arms. You’re sweet baby warmth filling my heart. My now in my last year of high school set to graduate in May. I’m not sure what I’ll do after this yet and that’s scary.   
I think of you every day my sweet child, you‘re in my prayers every night. My mother and I aren’t’ on speaking terms right now. Me and my aunt aren’t on speaking terms either. She says I should have told her. That she would have helped me. She wants to tell your father’s family. Your father is still away but his father is still in town. I’ve begged her not too. I don’t’ think I can stand the thought of seeing your father’s disappointment when he finds out. I curse myself every day for letting you slip through my fingers. 

I hope your family treats you well and treasure you as much as I would have. I wish I could see your face as you blow out you’re first birthday cake. I wish for a lot. A lot I can never have. I’m sorry to burden you baby you don’t deserve that. Be, happy be safe, be loved. That’s all I can ask for if you are those things then I will be okay. 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding. 

Secrets, lies deceit. He wanted to call up his ex-mother in law and yell at her he wanted to rage at her blame her hurt her. He thought he hated her before now he wished she was dead for all the pain she caused and was still causing. 

He thought of Tim. He thought of what he knew of Tim’s home life and he shuddered his boy, he hadn’t been loved not the way Shannon had hoped Shannon had made a bad choice and once again Gibbs wondered if he could forgive her. 

With shaky breath he picked up the next letter. 

Dearest Timothy 

As I sit here on your second birthday I think about what it would be like to have a two year old running around. Would you be in the midst of the terrible two’s? Would you be a mama’s boys? Would I have a special nickname just between the two of us? I can’t answer any of these questions and that makes me sad. Would I be where I am, who I am today if you were by my side? I wish I could say yes to that but I’m not so sure. 

I graduated it was iffy there for a while but I did it. I did it because I couldn’t not. I’d lost you. You weren’t going to be put back into my arms so in that loss I had to fight for something and graduating was the only thing I could fight for. Your father tried to contact me a few months back but I ignored his letters. I couldn’t bear to answer them. If I did I didn’t know what I’d say. How do you say you’ve given up a child? I couldn’t do it so I ignored him. Every day I think about him. About you about us as a family but I have to lock that away in a tiny box and focus on school I’m in college not sure what I’m going to study just yet but it’s nice to be away from my mother away from the memories if even just a little. 

I hope this birthday brings you joy and love my sweet baby. I hope you grow up knowing that I wanted you I just couldn’t have you. I hope I can make you proud. 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding. 

Gibbs swallowed thinking back to that time when Shannon had ignored his letters. He now had his answer to why and he wished he didn’t he opened the next letter 

Dear Timothy 

What a year I finished my freshman year of College and am now in my sophomore I’m doing okay better than my first year I guess I’ve just settled into it. Still not one hundred percent sure what I’m going to study I’m leaning towards accounting I’ve always been good at math. 

You’re father keeps trying to contact me I believe he’s said he’ll be state side sometime later this year. Maybe I’ll see him at least talk to him though I don’t know how I’ll tell him about you or even if I’ll tell him about you. I can’t believe it’s been three years since you were in my arms. I don’t want you to think me not revealing your existence is because I’m ashamed of you. No far from it. I love you I’d shout about it too the world if I had that courage but I don’t. I’m scared of his reaction of what he’ll think of me. I already feel badly enough for the decisions I’ve made I don’t think I could handle him thinking badly of me too. 

I hope one day I have the courage to open up to him. I wish I had the courage now to tell you his name. Slowly I think I’m getting there but not yet I’m just not ready.   
I hope you had a great year I’m sure you’re so big now. Do you look like me, or like you’re father or are you the perfect mixture of both. I love you baby 

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding. 

He wanted to shout to curse to rail against the world. “I hate you Shannon.” He whispered into the air and it broke his heart to utter those words. But she’d robbed him. Robbed him of his son. Robbed him of the truth. Everything they had built every memory they shared was built on a lie. She’d lied she’d deceived she was selfish. He shook his head bringing himself away from his long dead wife and to the son he never knew he had. Did he look like him like Shannon. He looked like a mix Shannon’s eyes. His bone structure and body type. Yes he was a mixture. His son their son. He opened the next letter. 

Dear Timothy 

You’re four now, where or where has the time went? I’m in my junior year of college and I’m doing great. 

I have some news it’s great but yet bittersweet news. Remember how in my last letter I said your father wanted to see me and I wasn’t sure I could see him. Well I saw him. I didn’t tell him about you. I couldn’t I love him and I couldn’t break him like that. No I can’t lie I didn’t tell him more for myself then to protect him. I was sure if he knew the truth he’d leave and never look back. I had just got him back and I couldn’t bear to lose him again. 

My mother knows that me and him are together and though she hates him. And I mean really hates him she is keeping her mouth closed because she knows that if she opens her mouth and spills the secrets she holds that I’ll absolutely never speak to her again. I don’t think she wants to lose me all together. So no he doesn’t know of your existence please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it but please.

Timothy I want to tell you his name. We’re together now and he asked me to marry him. I said yes we’re not getting married right away though we’re going to marry when I graduate next year. Even though he doesn’t know of you. Even though we may have future children know that in my heart you’ll never be forgotten. I’ll always know that our family isn’t complete. 

You can’t see me now but I’m biting my lip trying to get up the courage to write his name on this piece of paper. His name is Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Though I’ve only ever called him Gibbs. I hope by the time you’re reading this letter I’ve told him the truth and if you choose to find us we’ll both be ready to receive you with open arms. I know I’ll always be ready to receive you.

Forever in my heart 

Shannon Fielding soon to be Gibbs.

Gibbs laughed bitterly she’d never told him and she’d had years he felt betrayed and he thought of how Tim must feel to find out in a letter that his boss was really his biological father. Bile raised in his throat. If Tim found out this way then that’s probably when he put two and two together. What were his thoughts on Kelly. Gibbs closed his eyes thinking of his daughter. His precious Kelly gone to soon. What did Tim think of him. Did he think Gibbs knew? Gibbs looked down. He had two more letters but Tim had told him there were more that he hadn’t read them. He needed to let Tim know that he loved him no strings attached he was his son. He hadn’t known and he was sorry. It had to have taken a lot of courage for Tim to come to him the way he had. With shaking hands Gibbs opened the next letter. 

Dear Timothy

You are five now, a whole hand. Have you started school? Oh baby how I miss you. I’m in my last year of school. My wedding to your father is fast approaching we are down to months. 

I haven’t told him. I can’t. if I tell him I’ll lose him to. I can’t lose him. I’m that selfish that I can’t lose him. He deserves to know but I just… I can’t. forgive me. The wedding will take place in the middle of May two days after I graduate. I’ve convinced your father to invite his own father. I’ve invited my mother and I keep thinking what if? What if you were here walking down the aisle with me. 

We could have been a family if I’d been stronger, I let it all slip away and I regret it every day. I wish to hold you in my arms. I wish for a lot.   
Happy Birthday my baby. 

Love forever 

Shannon Fielding very soon to be Gibbs. 

Gibbs thought back to his wedding wondering what it would have been like if Tim had been there. He felt himself thawing towards Shannon but he quickly hardened his heart again. No he wouldn’t let her off the hook that easily. He opened the last letter. 

Dear Timothy

You’re six now. So big, how is school? Do you enjoy it? I’m stalling I know I’m stalling as I stare at the wide expanse of white paper in front of me. I’m married, me and your father have been married for a while now. It was a beautiful day that I finally became Mrs. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. But it wasn’t perfect. You were missing and I knew it. My heart was breaking wishing to see you laughing and playing. 

I’m still stalling scared to tell you what I have to tell you. Terrified of how you’ll take the news as you sit reading this letter years in the future. Please, please I beg of you don’t hate me please understand. Please…… 

I’m having a baby, me and your father we’re having a baby. She’ll be here next month right before Valentine’s Day. I say she because I’m sure it will be a girl. Or maybe I’m just hoping praying it’s a girl. I don’t’ think my heart could take it if I had a boy. How I’d feel seeing your father holding another son when he never got to hold you. That he doesn’t even know about you. I don’t think I could handle it. A girl that’s new its different I wouldn’t have to relive it all. I hope anyway. 

I know you must think I sound horrible. I’m sorry I am I love you. Forever and always and this baby boy or girl could never will never take your place in my heart. You are my first born. My shining star. The person that keeps me going every day. I love you Timothy please as you hate me remember that I love you. 

Shannon Gibbs. 

Gibbs thought of Kelly, he thought of holding Kelly an what it would have been like to hold Tim in his arms. He could still do it. He could hold Tim love Tim. Would Tim let him? Did Tim hate him. Hate Shannon he was scared of that answer as he folded up the letter and stacked them up to give back to Tim. He sat in his dim basement thinking how different his life could have been. Wondering where to go from here and how to get there. 

Tim had gotten home. He sat in his dim living room one light on his hands sweating his heart pounding wondering what Gibbs reaction to the letters would be how he was going to get into work tomorrow and look the older man in the face 

Would he accept him would he reject him? Tim was scared to find out the answer to that question as he opened the next letter. 

Dear Timothy

You’re seven now I have news for you as you know in my last letter I mentioned you were getting a sibling. I was right you have a sister. Kelly Anne Gibbs. She’s a beautiful little girl so much like me but she has your father’s eyes. He adores her it’s so amazing to watch him with her. he’s such a good daddy. 

As amazing as my life is right now I know something is missing, that you are missing and it hurts that my heart our family will n ever be whole. I hope one day you’ll find us and we can be the family we were always meant to be. Me you, your father and Kelly the way it was meant to be. 

Love you Forever and Always 

Shannon Gibbs. 

Tim felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach at the mention and picture of Gibbs being a doting father to Kelly. He took a deep breath and packed the letter to give to Gibbs incase the older man wanted to read it. If Gibbs would even acknowledge what the letters said their connection to each other. It would be torture until he knew the answer to that.


End file.
